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It’s quite shocking at times to hear the behavior that cheaters stoop to while in the “affair fog,” and yet many betrayed spouses put up with it out of love, commitment and fear of rocking the boat.
Hell, I did some of the same crap to Linda three years ago and I know that if she would have taken a harder line with me from the get go, the fog would have lifted and I would have got my head out of my ass much faster. Willard Harley, author of “Surviving an Affair” (which we highly recommend) states the following: “My experience helping couples recover from infidelity has taught me that any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation.
The more of these stories that we are exposed to, the more Linda and I feel that taking a tough stance against the cheater is the appropriate thing to do.
Not necessarily in all cases, but certainly a large percentage of them.
But even in the very few cases when an affair is not an addiction, total separation of the spouse and lover is a necessary act of consideration for the feelings of the betrayed spouse.
It’s the very least a wayward spouse can do to compensate for the suffering caused by the affair.
Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair.
Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction).
This on again – off again pattern makes the affair almost impossible to end on its own.
Either their spouses do not want to let go of their affair partners and are leaving to be with them to see if it was meant to be. …the cheater has stopped contact but is having a very difficult time letting go of their affair partners – not so much from the standpoint of continuing their affair – but more so from the standpoint that they cannot control or stop their thoughts and feelings towards their affair partners.
The first phrase that comes to my mind when I hear these stories is “affair addiction.” Linda even said the same thing the other night while discussing a person’s situation.
The separation/togetherness cycle actually intensifies the feelings and guarantees that the affair will not end.
The longer the process goes on, the more powerful the attachment becomes.
So when I counsel couples who want to reconcile after an affair, I insist on total separation of the unfaithful spouse and the lover with extraordinary precautions to guarantee that they never see or talk to each other again.” “…who substitutes an unhealthy and mood altering relationship with a process (i.e.